This morning I woke up singing the lyrics to the song Rise Up! Wasn't quite sure why this was on my mind this morning. Maybe because I've been struggling with some things. Maybe God was telling me I need to rise up and push through! I so easily get down on myself because I feel like we are always getting hit with the negative junk. My husband's had some health issues that are putting more on me than normal. I'm struggling with schooling a child with special needs, trying to finish fixing a house, taking care of my husband, thinking and praying for my older children, grandchildren and relatives. Dealing with joining a new co-op after 10 years in our previous one. Trying to make friends and worry about my son making friends. Mostly thinking of him and how he fits in, handles the difference of the co-op etc. Add to that all this Corona virus junk and it just keeps pushing you down. I'll be honest that the virus stuff hasn't added as much heartache to my life as it has to others. I just don't think the same about it as some. I do worry though about how it's causing us to move further and further apart rather than joining forces and being supportive! I think back to when Carl and I got together and mixed relationships weren't thought of very highly. I remember the stares we would get. A good friend even heard a family member of my husband's saying AT OUR WEDDING that she couldn't believe he was marrying a white women (LOL) When we moved to Ca it was so eye opening to me because we only had each other to depend on for support. I worried less about those looks, if I saw them, and more about my husband and later on kids. I noticed over the years with kids that moms didn't support each other like they could or should. If you used formal then you were blamed if you spanked they didn't like you etc. I couldn't understand why just because I breastfed and a good friend used formula why we couldn't still support each other. As the years have gone on it seems there is more and more of that happening.
When we moved back to NC it seemed like such a different place. We were so near family compared to in CA, but yet we weren't "close" to family. It amazes me what some people will say. We were told that we were going to make Issac "stupid" by doing sign language with him! They didn't seem to understand, even thought it was explained, that he couldn't talk and at that point we didn't know if he ever would. That was the only way we had to communicate with him. As the years have gone on we've done what we thought was best for our kids as I think all parents do. I know there are plenty that disagree with things we've done, but those that are truly supportive just support and don't say the negative. As the kids got older it's harder to know if you've done enough, prepared them for the big, scary world and how much to let go and when. When our oldest son got married and joined the military at a young age we were questioned as to "why we ALLOWED him to make those choices?| That's just it they were his choices and we supported because we love him. Those that were truly supportive responded with they'll be in our prayers. It makes me sad because it seems more and more there are those that are there in the good times and leave when it gets rough. We all have opinions, but we have to decide if giving our opinions to others will change their mind in any way or if it will cause more hurt than good.
I'm in this weird time of life for being a mama. I've got one child that has married and has 2 babies. Another newly graduated from high school, living at home and figure out her life plans. Then I have just the one that I am still schooling. The one that I still struggle with knowing if I am doing enough, what else I can do, how much should I push etc. The one I struggle with understanding how to talk too and make understand the simplest of concepts sometimes. Then I have a husband who I have always depended on for everything. The one I expected to always depend on and now I feel that I am the one that everyone depends on for everything. It's daunting, scary, frustrating and I struggle with it every day. There's nothing else to do, but rise up! I have to be the one that everyone relies on, the one that keeps track of everything for everyone, making sure they take their meds, go to their appointments, etc. Try to figure out how not to be upset when I'm yelled at when things can't be found or are forgotten. It's sad seeing your husband struggling and dealing with this situations, but this is life. No matter what others thought, the ones that thought we shouldn't marry due to race differences or those that thought we shouldn't marry because of the age difference. He chose me and I chose him for better or worse! The 3 ladies I spent the most time with when I was younger were all great role models. I remember my grandmother living alone and independent until she got sick. My mom has endured much during her life, but has always pushed through and moved on too. My aunt dealt with health issues from birth and was always a hero to me for just getting through her daily life with a smile on her face.
There's nothing else to do today, but Rise Up!!